I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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