he puts the penis in happiness.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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