I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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