I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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