she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
