where does the pee come out of this thing
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
