he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
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Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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