My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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