We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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