end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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