What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We need to get me chipped asap
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
