Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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