Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
