Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
