i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
