Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
