Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
