plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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