I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
