whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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