Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
