Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
