These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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