Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
