Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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