How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
