Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
