took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.