I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
