I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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