Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
