I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
