How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
