Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
