My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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