my phone needs a breathalizer
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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