You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
