i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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