I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
