We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
