They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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