Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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