if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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