he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
