He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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