xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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