i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
