I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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