every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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