just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
