I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
