Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
