help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
