You really coming over, don't trick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
