Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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